Alive

Remember that song "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, big hit in the 90s (link to jog your memory). What people may not be aware of is that this song is actually about the lead singer's meth addiction. One lyric really stands out to me whenever I listen to this song: "we tripped on the urge to feel alive".

I mean, admittedly, I don't live "out there" much. I go to school, I study, I volunteer here and there, and generally stay in my room. The most exciting part of my routine is listening to new music. Don't get me wrong, I'm perfectly fine with that. But that lyric really does speak to a part of me.

What does it really mean to "feel alive"?  Is there something "out there" in this world that would fill those supposedly empty spaces? How do I even begin to explore something like that? Well whatever it is, I think at the very least we can agree that it probably doesn't involve crystal meth. That's a starting point, I guess.

Exhausted

It's been a long week and I'm exhausted. I'm at the library, trying to study for another meaningless assessment but all I want to do is browse around for music. And forget about multi-tasking, I can really only do one thing at once.

Hope those CDs I ordered like 2 weeks ago came today.

Dysfunction

Maybe there are things that are better kept off of the public domain of the internet. I think what used to be this post would be a good example of that. That's why I kept personal entries anyway. That stuff should definitely never see the light of day.

Left Channel, y u no keep working?!

Today marks the fourth time in the past two months that I've encountered a faulty left channel in my audio device. First the one on my Porta-pro headphones gave out, next the replacement headphones just had a defective left channel right out of the box (luckily I was able to return it very easily), then my laptop's audio jack stopped outputting to the left (ok this one was totally my fault), and now my general-not-meant-to-be-used-anyway earphones gave way. Why is it always the left channel?! It's not like I listen harder on that side or something.. Whatever, guess I'm going to go see what's on sale after school today. My wallet will understand >_>.

Arrivals and departures

What was this blog ever for? I mean surely at one point I used this as a form of expression. But why did I initially make this blog? If the first few posts are any indication, I think it had to do with sharing random stuff I found on the Internet (mostly pictures and flash animations). I think the original title of this blog was "the sky is falling", which was a reference to the fable Chicken Licken where the titular character had began spreading the absurd fear of the sky falling after an acorn fell on its head.

Oh, absurdity, now I remember: this was originally meant to be an anti-blog. I guess my anti-institutional sentiment had thought it would be a good satire to open a blog filled with nonsense instead of serious posts. Ironic that it later become a place where I'd express my occasional outrage.

Well anyway, there's a lot less of that nowadays, outrage that is. I'd imagine it's due to a mix between accepting some of the struggles as inevitable and also not taking things too seriously. Oh, and I might've found/figured out a few things along the way.

So now here we are, it's been 6 years since 2005 Aaron started this blog. Does 2011 Aaron have any use for this? Maybe, I still do like expressing myself after all. Meh, whatever. I've no idea. Just keep visiting once in a while, I'll add content once in a while ^_^.

Levamentum Menti

Hello everyone, if you haven't heard already, I've started a new blog where I'll be able to link to interesting music that I come across. I didn't want to use this blog for that since posts here are generally more personal. I noticed that many of the posts I made on Google Plus were musical recommendations, so, after some deliberation, a separate blog seemed more appropriate (this way I can post more frequently and not feel as though I'm spamming my network).

You can find the new blog at http://levamentum-menti.blogspot.com. From the description found there:

Levamentum menti means "comfort for the mind" in Latin. The title stems from how music has been as a source of refuge for me. This blog will be a place where I can post links (generally Youtube embeds) to interesting music. Overall, the genres will revolve around post-rock, shoegaze, and electronica.

Career day at a high school

A high school had a theme day where the students would come dressed up as some career path each person wanted to pursue. Bob walked into the class dishevelled in shorts, sandals, and a plain white T with an obvious ketchup stain on it. As the students sat down, the teacher, clearly noticing the lack of effort by him, spoke up at the front of class and asked, “And what exactly are you, Bob?”

He replied, “I was a mid-level manager at a Fortune 500 company. But unfortunately I was laid off in the recession. Truth be told, I wasn’t really getting anywhere there anyway. Dare I say, getting laid off was more of an opportunity to grow than anything else. So I looked around for work here and there. This wasn’t the end of the world. Far from it, I was going to rise from the ashes and become a better person for it.”

A sudden darkness fell over his face, “But days turned to weeks and weeks into months and I still couldn’t find a job. It seemed no matter how hard I tried, there was never anything I could really close up on. And the time just passed unrelentingly, just like those head-hunters whom I knew could see straight through my fake smile into the depths of my broken spirit. I was desperate and desperate was not a character trait they were looking for. But I kept looking because, well, what else could I do?”

Regaining composure, he continued, “I knew I could last for a while but a while wasn’t supposed to last this long. My unemployment insurance ended a while ago and my savings had evaporated. Soon the bills started piling up and there was nothing I could do. Then one day, they came and took it. They took my car, my house, and my family. Oh my God, Stacy, she took the kids to live with her mother.”

Bob could no longer hold back and burst into tears, his voice was cracking from his tears and was tinged with despair, “Oh my God, my flesh and blood, I haven’t seen them in months. Why did this happen to me? I was a good man, wasn’t I? I went to church and volunteered on the weekends. I was going to send my kids to good schools and they were going to surpass me like I surpassed my own father. Mrs. Harris, I was a man but I am a man no longer.”

With that, Bob rested his head onto his desk. He was both overcome by his shame and was wallowing in the great pit of misery that his life had become, remembering that pleasant life he had left so long ago. A great silence filled the room. It was all an act but even teenagers could appreciate the anguish of a man who had been pushed to the edge, not through his own doing per se.

But Bob looked up and it was as if the entire class was resting on his next words.

“That or I make pizzas.”

Don't do this

Casually waiting. Suddenly, she emerges from the stacks. Truly, I did not expect life to have existed within those sterile aisles. What fantasy. Yet how true is her form as the slivers of sunlight surround her. Our eyes meet but she quickly averts her gaze and she tries to continue in her stride with a feigned innocence. But her intentions are as clear as day to everyone in the room. She marks her objective and it is as if the entire room begins to watch her in an almost ominous anticipation of the next inevitable step. Her demeanour suddenly shifts and that previous facade is dropped as quickly as it had been put on. She moves swiftly with a burning passion in her eyes as she nears her target. All the while, the multitudes of onlookers begin to well up with all manner of emotion and I reluctantly assume the rather unpleasant duty to approach her. I try to move with greater haste than her to make up for her headstart. She notices me and knows her gambit has failed. Perhaps she too had known of the gross implausibility of what she was trying. And so, we finally meet and begin our strange dance.

"Excuse me, Miss. The line-up for the computer starts over there."

Beyond our comfortable castles

Tonight I watched “Call & Response”, a documentary talking about modern day slavery. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t particularly shocked about any of it. I mean after years of being open to exploring social issues like this, you can only have so many instances of profound disturbance at the depravity we glorious humans are capable of. But it was a chilling reminder of the pain (though I’d imagine this word would scarcely begin to encapsulate what they go through) that this causes the people involved. I emphasize people because through all the statistics that we are bombarded with on a regular basis, I don’t want forget that these numbers are indeed people and that these people are suffering.

Someone in the documentary used the term “paralysis of despair”. That feeling of helplessness in the face of that which is not right in the world. It must be a common feeling though. For what exactly can one person do in the midst of all these atrocities being committed worldwide?

Anyway, I was walking home and the idea of dinner came up. But I wasn’t hungry. How could I be hungry after watching something like that? How could I just stuff my face with whatever knowing that such horrors lurk outside my nice insulated shell. But I know that I will eventually eat dinner tonight (probably after typing this, actually). I know that I will continue with my studies, continue with those things that I enjoy oh so much, continue with the multitude of petty activities that make up the days of my life. And not only me but I would also imagine the vast majority of wealthy society would be likely to continue with this status quo.

To be honest, I don’t know what to make of all of this. Suffering seems to be in great abundance on this pale blue dot. Yet, I ask again, what conquest can a single individual hope to achieve against a behemoth such as this? The beatitudes say that “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled”. May that righteousness fill this world and so that we may be saved from ourselves.

Three songs of old

I have a fair bit of music and I've listened to a fair bit of this quite rigorously over the years. For the vast majority of songs, I tend to like them at the beginning and then become largely apathetic to them later on. But, over the years, three songs have yet to lose their appeal. I suppose they do have a special place somewhere within me. In no particular order, they are (with youtube links) Breathe by Moist, Porcelain by Moby, and I Love You Always Forever by Donna Lewis. It's hard to pinpoint exactly why I still appreciate these songs. They're all kinda old (1996-2000), so maybe it has something to do with me hearing them at the right age. Musically, they're all pretty laid back and I suppose that is something I do enjoy in music. But who knows, maybe it's flat-out luck in that I haven't associated any negative memories with them, which for better or for worse happens more often than I would prefer.

The voracious curiosity of a child

A barren planet, vast but empty. The surface littered with massive ocean-sized cavities. Over time, these holes began to be filled by raining waters containing a host of materials. These waters began to affect the barren planet and imparted to it a new atmosphere. And so, within this new atmosphere and those particular waters, developed that which was not imparted from the exterior: entities of connected materials, both larger and more complex than their constituents. And from here, an explosion of life: all manner of permutations and combinations of the building blocks. The world seemed as a frontier of limitless potential.

But, of course, many of these strange new lifeforms were unviable and so did many disappear as quickly as they had come into being. But certain ones of a certain stamp were able to resist the test of time and so they began to flourish and dominate over all of the world, both over the lands and within the waters. After a while, along with the rains which had continued to fill the ever-growing chasms since the beginning, these new ones began to slowly alter the very world from whence they originated. They changed the world to suit its needs and, indeed, the world was satisfied to have an order, however arbitrary, to be brought upon it, for this was something that had never been done before.

Alas, such change did not go unnoticed. With the shifting conditions and the ever-torrential rains, newer permutations and combinations now found themselves possible. Soon, new conquerors came from beyond the horizon and usurped the world’s throne from the older generation, which now had become mere shadows of their former glory. And so a seemingly inexorable cycle had begun: one of development, alteration, and inevitable collapse.

All the while, the world watched itself be changed by its inhabitants. Truthfully, it accepted its transient nature. In the back of its consciousness, however, it knew that someday in, perhaps, the not-so-distant future it would stop the rains from coming and, thus, stop the world from changing. But for now, the world rested upon itself contentedly and waited for that pending moment.

Not much going on

Not much going on. Just kinda.. doing the school thing, as usual. Honestly, the program has been less than stellar. I ended up typing a rant about the program which ended up being around a thousand words. Those thoughts've been floating around for a while but I guess I just never took the time to put it down on paper. The shock, the mourning, the anger, I think they've all mostly subsided. There is now only an unenthusiastic acceptance. How anticlimactic, as usual.

On another note, I've found some really cool music in the past month (thank you redditunes). I mostly listen to their indie and electronica sections. Anyway, here are a few good ones.

• Ghosts N Stuff by Deadmau5 (electronica; not the version with the rapper)
• Roman History by Pet Lions (indie)
• The World Is Our _____ by This Will Destroy You (post-rock; I tried playing this on the electric and the melodies are surprisingly simple; the song must be really well arranged or something)
• White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes (folk)
• Murray by Pete Yorn (some sort of rock; wasn't on youtube)
• Bleeding Heart Show by The New Pornographers (indie)
• I Remember by Deadmau5 and Kaskade (electronica; check out the extended version if you like this)